One of the things I want to start doing on this blog is talking a little bit about parenting. What better thing to start with than the mom-written iPhone contract that has been circulating the Internet?

If you haven’t read about it, the mom gave her 13-year-old son an iPhone for Christmas that came with an 18-point contract that she wrote. You can read the entire thing at the link.

First, I want to say that this is in no way an attack on this woman’s parenting. Parenting does not have rule book. We all have our own style. We have to find the way that works for us.

That said, a lot of my friends are sharing this, with accolades, and I want to offer a different perspective.

In general, I try not to control or micro-manage my kids. I don’t know this woman or read her blog, and I know that a certain amount of mommy blogging is done for entertainment, but at its face, this rule list is excessive. My boys have friends with parents like this, and the kids just tune them out, the parents and the rules. It shuts down any possibility for communication.

Kids – especially teenagers – need a certain level of freedom to screw up while they are still at home and still minors. In the safe confines of still being under their parents’ care is the time for kids to screw up, not when they get out on their own.

I try to remember that I am raising adults, not kids. They need to learn to make good choices for themselves, not have me micro-manage their phone habits.

A lot of these rules are good manners. Great! We should model good manners and teach them to our children. But I have to wonder if handing my teen a list of rules is the same as teaching. No, I don’t have to wonder. I know it’s not.

I teach my kids how to treat people by the way I act, by the way I treat them, and through conversations that naturally come up when we are spending time together. My kids usually want to hear what I have to say because I am not trying to control their every move.

It all ties in together. When you have an adversarial relationship with your child – which rules contracts like this can create – they shut you out.

Some of these rules make little to no sense to me. For example, why can’t he take a zillion picture and videos? What if that leads to a career in photography, art, or film making?

Also, the one about music. So what if kids like to listen to what their peers like? Didn’t she? As my 14-year-old son said, “So she wants her son to be a hipster?” He found that rule hard to take seriously.

It seems like a casual conversation about what a great amount of access to music this generation has, or perhaps gifting him some songs on iTunes that she wants him to check out, would serve more of a purpose.

And finally, the “no porn” rule. I hate this. My ex-husband and I butted heads on this subject regularly. Teenagers are curious about sex. To just say “no porn” and leave it at that is not going to accomplish much.

I told my boys – 14 and 16 – that it is natural to be curious about sex and porn. But I want them to know that a lot of what is depicted in porn is not what a real sexual experience or relationship is like. More importantly, that is not what most women will actually look like; a lot of porn stars have work done and are selected for having a certain “ideal” look.

Chances are at some point they will see porn. I would rather educate them about what is healthy versus unhealthy porn viewing and expectations about real world relationships than just try to forbid the inevitable.

One final thought, it’s okay for kids to have some privacy. I don’t need to have their passwords. I wouldn’t dream of snooping at what my kids are doing online – unless they do something that indicates a need for intervention, like getting caught breaking the law. It’s also okay for them to text their friends at night and talk about stuff they don’t want parents to hear. That’s a part of growing up and discovering themselves.